Renaissance

anglesIsn’t it funny how in the aura of writing and typing haunting thoughts and raving emotions, one can feel so in sync with what they express, but then when one revisits the words they have written, these same musings seem so foreign and unjust.

I wonder if this reflects me somehow.

bippity boppity boo

I’m terrible with flirting and dating and everything to do with attraction and sexuality and I totally blame it on my up-bringing like 10,000%.

Also, I’m supposed to be studying for this huge mid-term tomorrow as well as finishing some work due in like five hours, but despite these things, I feel that this is more important. Actually, I’m just a huge procrastinator.

My best friend recently cut all of her hair off and is all liberated about it and all and I’m so proud of her I could scream.

This same girl convinced me to leave my number for this waiter. WTF? I know.

The setting: dimly lit café on a beautiful spring day; total hipster, alternative scene.

The motive: scoring a date with a guy who is totally potentially a gazillion years older than me but it’s totes alright because I’m legal.

What happened: I left a sticky note with a stupid hat doodle wearing a mustache that was all in pink ink and my number.

The outcome: no comment.

Lets just say that movies are not real life which is why they are movies and not real life.

But COME ON UNIVERSE.

Can I have one movie moment? Maybe two?

Can I have a Breakfast at Tiffany’s back of the taxi awakening?

Can I be Ms. Aaron Samuels?

Can I please just have one magic carpet ride with Aladdin?

Is that too much to ask?

 

 

 

 

 

The Opposite of Thought

I was going to

                                starve myself.

                    I was going to

lose 20 pounds

Even though

                       at the height of 5’10,

I weigh 142 pounds.

I thought of

                                 being a model

             –a human hanger

made of bones

and insecurity.

Starving was the only way.

o3m3LU6NFx

Bob Dylan is my spirit animal.


KATEBxvdVnI think everyone has that one person that was the “almost something”. Almost lover. Almost girlfriend. Almost friend. That one person who was on the verge of something. That one person who was an extra and a main character all at once. But maybe I’m stupid. There’s so much I want to say, but it seems I am at a loss for words…

I Wish to:

Join the Peace Corps.

Rwz4OgneAn

Discover love.

Learn to play ukulele.

Be content with the way I look.

4Vw5sDTQhM

Be a humanitarian.

Not care about what others think.

Go to 50 concerts.

Stop making lists.

Live.

H7F1a46Puh

Maybe my problem is that I think too much. I don’t think enough. I care too much and don’t care enough. I feel empty kind of and I don’t know why. But I do.

Huh?

treesI’ve always said over and over again that I could not wait to kick up dust and say “au revoir!” to this town. Only today had I felt a pang of discomfort. This town is so small and the world is so damn big  and I must sound like a loon. I know I do. You’re probably like DUH! I just never realized how many people are EVERYWHERE. I can hardly walk down the halls of my high school without cursing.

And then thought of new people and new stuff and basically once you’re in college a whole new fucking life. You actually have to function like a person by yourself.

Heh, I couldn’t if I tried. Hm, I just really want to meet some cool people which would entirely erase the horrible people here clean from my memory. I’m a bitch sometimes. Well not a bitch, but a total ass. I can’t help it. It’s just comes naturally.

But I did read this quote that said, “The ones who laugh at everything are the ones who are deeply sad or depressed or something”. I can’t remember clearly but it made me analyze myself. I hate when that happens. I don’t know if I truly have that problem or if I’m diagnosing myself off of an idiot’s thought of the day.

Oh, and I’m going through this phase. I’m hoping it’s a phase. It’s the “I don’t give a fuck about anything or anyone because it’s all stupid” phase. I’ve had this for a while now. Plus, I don’t seem to be attracted to ANYONE. And when I say no one, I mean no guys have even crossed my mind. I don’t know if I’ m a lesbian or what.gay I know I’m not, but I often say I am just for the hell of it. Like I give zero fucks anymore.

Heh, I have this one acquaintance who claims she’s over this guy when I know she’s really not, so whenever she mentions something about him I tell her to shut up because I don’t want to hear it. Of course she’s butthurt, but do I care? Not even the slightest.

The only person I truly feel bad about abandoning–well not abandoning. The only person I feel bad about just completely not talking to and shunning is this one girl I’ve known for quite a while. She gave me this Valigram thing and I was like shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. This person actual gives a fuck. Still, I didn’t even take the opportunity to “rekindle”,”reunite” the friendship.

Now I outright tell people that I don’t talk to them

Ruin everything

because I don’t see the value of actually being around them. LMAO. I’m laughing so hard at myself. I need medication, heh. But the upside to all this is that yeah, I’m actually okay in a psychotic way.

I just hope everything in my head works out ya know? I know it’s probably impossible, but I hope it goes the way I want. It being my life. Well not my entire life, but the first year away from home.

 

I’d like to go to London so I can meet a hot, pale English lad. Or or I could go to New York, Chicago, or Portland and meet the gods and goddesses of all the Hipster Kingdom.

That’s it I suppose ^^ It was actually quite lovely to blog again.socializing

My Faults

Christmas went pretty well. Got stuff. Gave stuff. Uh, next is New Year’s. Whoo-hoo. I absolutely despise resolutions. I was once an enthusiastic writer of “new year, new me” bull. Now, at the ripe ol’ age of 16 I realize the poop people shove at you. Like yeah sure, start planning to drop those 20 pounds–maybe even more than that due to cramming your face over the holidays. Go cold turkey. Give a little more. Live a little better. People end up dropping resolutions after the first week of the year. Throw out the diet. Pick up the death sticks. Bottoms up. I guess it’s the thrill of the idea of starting the year off right. Then the whole world ends up in a continuous cycle of pumping out damned resolutions. But hey, that’s life.

As the title states, I do have faults. Many many many many many faults. I’m sure you realized this long before I pointed it out. I’m trying to go into the “New Year” with good vibes but the whole idea makes me cringe. Not the fact that I’m trying to do better. The thought that yeah sure, I’ll say I’ll do this and that knowing that I’m not going to keep it up at all–the new year will be a repeat of this one. One of my greatest fears.

Fuck fear.

May the odds forever be in your favor.

P.S. I know I’m not the same. It scares me sometimes, but it is what it is.

Lovely.

I kind of lied when I said that I had no friends. I tend to do that a lot when I’m in an over-exaggerated teen depressed mood. Then I have the nerve to say that I hate people who lie. What a hypocrite. I hate those too.

Anyway, this post is for my best friend.

Soooo I’m black if you didn’t know–“African American” for all of you conservative people. I mean, yeah, okay so the deal with being a black girl in today’s society–well all of history, is that obviously yes, you are judged by the color of your skin. That goes for any black person really. It fucks with my mind when a person who isn’t black has the nerve to get up and say that no, people aren’t judged by race anymore and that that issue is almost resolved. 

Let me tell you firsthand that no, Martin’s dream has yet to be fulfilled. I live in the South, big whoop,eh? No there aren’t KKK marching the streets or anything but the little things shine through. For instance, I swear almost everywhere I go–whether to a restaurant or just to Wal-Mart, at least one guy spits when I walk by. Paranoia maybe? Then there was this incident at the library where they made me and a specific other number of kids put our bags up at the front due me refusing to throw away my CLOSED water bottle the previous day. Now, I’m not a lawyer or anything but when you make a certain number of people do one thing then let other people have their bags with them, isn’t that a bit against the law? I was going to question the manager about it the next day but coincidentally the rule was no longer in place.

Oh, did I tell you my brother won Student of the Year? He got to go to a Grizzlies game and everything. Well, he was supposed to have front row seat, meet with the players, get a souvenir, and be happy and merry. What he got was a seat way up high on the other opponents side, a shirt that fit a kindergartner, and he also got to watch the other kid who received Student of the Year prance about on the right side of the court, with front row seats, practicing with the team and what not. The kid was white, but maybe I’m just making assumptions. Maybe this is just all in my head, right?

My best friend just found out that the guy she was interested in doesn’t like black girls. I’ve been in this situation all too often. I was sitting with a couple of guys and they all were listing types of girls they like one by one and none of them said black girls. Have you ever had to sit and listen to a person say that they don’t specifically like what you are? Like what the fuck? I can’t change my skin color. I promise you that. Then you have to laugh along with all the racist jokes even if it fucking sucks sometimes. And when they go, “No offense.” You have to resist the urge to yell, “FUCK YOU.” Don’t get me started on Civil Rights stuff in History. 

So I’m here to just say fuck all of the guys who don’t like black girls. Just fuck you. Built up anger? Yes. I just don’t understand how you can possibly rule out a whole race to be attracted to. I get the line, “You’re pretty for a black girl.” All the fucking time. And yeah, I know this applies to any race or person. Some people may not be attracted to white guys, or Hispanic guys, or etc etc. That’s your preference but fuck you. I just don’t get it. There are beautiful people of every race, but maybe that’s just me and my fucked up mind.

I used the “f” word a lot in this post. Then I just had the nerve to not use it in the last sentence XD. Uh, yeah. EFF this town. EFF these people. Don’t let people who you’ll never see again sway your emotions.Don’t let people sway you period.

Uhhhhh I guess that’s it. May the odds forever be in your favor.